So, my birthday was yesterday... bought some new clothes and some stuff from Spencer's. Then went out to eat. It was pretty good. But lately I've been feeling different.
A few days ago, my mom told me we were going to get a trampoline and to get in the car. We drove an hour to the place and then she said they didn't have it so we drove the hour back home, empty handed. Next thing she lectures me about how I go out too much. I fucking NEVER go out. So I have to stay at home even more often, now. The thing that pisses me off about that is she restricts me from so many things yet she doesn't hesitate to drop whatever shes doing to help my uncle who is in prison for the fourth time, (might be sentenced to 15 years) All he's done is mooch money from her and use her as a place to stay comfortably, I don't even think he loves her, all he does is use her and scam her to get whatever he wants because he's all about "Poor me". And I never go out, never ask for money, but its me getting lectured. She pays my uncle probably $100 every day, does his laundry, makes phone calls for him, its pathetic. I can't believe she doesn't see what he's been doing to her for years.
Now she tells me today, "I know I told you I was going to order your longboard today for you, but I can't" Gee. Now I have to wait another week. What if it goes out of fucking stock again and i have to wait another three weeks++??You promised me yesterday that you would order it today. You promised me you would get us a trampoline. You promised me that I could get a customized birthday cake. All of those promises are tossed down the shitter,
I feel like I can't get my hopes up for anything anymore. It's ridiculous.
On top of all that....I have major depression/anxiety/bipolar disorder. The bipolar I just figured out I have because I took a few online quizzes and yep, now I have bipolar, too. Nice.
I started having a panic attack today because I thought about when I had to go to a next driving apppointment. (I'm in driver's Ed and I have my TEMPS at the moment) And everyone thinks its weird as fuck, but yes I'm a teenager and yes I absolutely HATE HATE HATE to drive. I hate thinking about it, I hate hearing about it, I hate driving, period. My instructor is a complete asshole, I don't understand it and never will, the laws and rules are too hard to follow, and I barely pass any of my tests. BARELY PASSED. I'm a terrible driver and I just hate the thought of cars and driving. So, as I hyperventilated and choked on my own tears, I told myself "I'm never going to get my licence and I'm never going to drive, EVER. And that's how it's going to be." I can move to a town where everything is nearby and I can get around on a bicycle, or a longboard, or I can just take the bus or a taxi. I don't care what anyone says, I'm not driving. I just won't. I'm done.
So now I have to convince my parents to let me drop the Driver's Ed class I'm taking, which will be hard, because they're not gonna wanna waste $300+ on a class I decided to drop. But they're just gonna have to understand that even if I HAD my own licence, I would rarely ever use it. I would get into accidents and get pulled over by the cops constantly. I just know that for a fact.
Just thinking about Driving makes my heart race and makes me breathe really hard and fast and my throat starts hurting (that feeling you get when you're about to cry) and my eyes start watering. I just can't handle it. Driving just isn't for me at all.
Oh fucking well.
I'm gonna go eat my feelings away. Then I might take a walk to the park later to work on some sketches or some shit. I'm just so pissed off and frustrated right now, I think "Anguish" is the perfect emotion for me to diagnose myself as right now.